A while ago at E3, the trailer for the often-postponed, long-awaited new Zelda game was released. It’s called Breath of the Wild and it looks beautiful.
Listen to that music. It sounds like Ghibli, so beautiful. It really sounds like Joe Hisaishi’s “One Summer’s Day“, from Spirited Away. My favorite film.
My Twitter feed was very excited about pretty much everything about this game. And it does look gorgeous, and I love expansive worlds to explore – my favorite game is Wind Waker, and my favorite part of Wind Waker is that part everyone hates, where you have to go all around the ocean doing random puzzles to find things. I loved being allowed to explore, to fill up my map. I loved the sense of discovery each time I stumbled across a new island, the flutter I got when it’s flat silhouette on the horizon turned into a real bit of land that I could climb over and do things on.
So I should be excited. I want to be excited.
But I know there’s probably no reason I should be.
Even though my favorite game is Wind Waker, I’ve actually never beaten a Zelda game. I’ve gotten to the final boss of both Wind Waker and Minish Cap (I usually lie and say I’ve at least beaten those two). I think I had my brother beat the boss of Wind Waker for me so I could play through again in pajamas. But I’ve never done it myself. I think I tried to beat Vaati once in Minish Cap and failed and gave up.
I’ve never even come close in any other Zelda game – I got to the Sky Temple in Twilight Princess (playing with someone else), I’ve done up through the inside-a-fish dungeon in Ocarina of Time, I think I did the first one or two dungeons of Skyward Sword and Spirit Tracks, the first one (maybe) in A Link Between Worlds, the first one of Phantom Hourglass, got up to the Zora bit in Majora’s Mask. That’s seven Zelda games I’ve started and haven’t finished.
It’s not just Zelda games I do this with. I can’t remember whether the last game I finished was Phoenix Wright vs. Professor Layton (October 2014) or 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors (a little bit before or after). Either way it was some time ago, and either way it was because I was playing with a friend. They were really the impetus to continue.
It’s not that I haven’t been interested in any games since then. I’ve played some of Pokemon X. I got Pokemon Alpha Sapphire in early 2015 and am somewhere around Mauville in it. I played most of Virtue’s Last Reward. In the summer of 2015 I played some of Majora’s Mask. I started a game in Morrowind that summer, too. I started Fire Emblem: Awakening in fall 2015 and was pretty excited by it, but stopped playing a bit before I got married.
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I used to play a lot of video games. I think the peak of it was when I was 14 or 15 – I remember sometimes I’d get a new game for Christmas and spend all day playing it, getting to know it.
That was also the time I was most into World of Warcraft. I put a lot into that game – about 32 full days of my life, if I’m remembering right. I know that’s nothing compared to some people, but it’s not a chunk of time to sneeze at.
It was more than the time, too. I loved exploring, discovering the new regions, the little conflicts in each one… I mostly played during Burning Crusade, and as I was approaching level 58, my excitement about getting to go to Outland, a whole new continent, was a little out of control. I was doing summer training to be on my high school’s cross-country team, and I remember one day, running through the woods, level 57, chanting to myself in time with my steps; I’m gonna go to Outland, I’m gonna go to Outland…
And to this day, one of my fondest memories is waking up one day the winter before to snow outside and school cancelled. I sat all day at my parents’ computer, questing in the Badlands, watching the swirls of snow out the window.
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There are a lot of reasons to be disillusioned with video games these days. The toxic swathes and pockets of the industry (in terms of backlash against feminism and diversity). The trend towards more realistic graphics at the alleged expense of gameplay. Plenty of other things, I’m sure.
These are reasons for going off of video games, ones you can give an explanation for.
I don’t think I have something like that. I think I have something senseless, like Allie Brosh (of Hyperbole and a Half) describes in Depression Part Two:
I remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my toys. Some days they died repeated, violent deaths, other days they traveled to space or discussed my swim lessons and how I absolutely should be allowed in the deep end of the pool, especially since I was such a talented doggy-paddler.
I didn’t understand why it was fun for me, it just was.
But as I grew older, it became harder and harder to access that expansive imaginary space that made my toys fun. I remember looking at them and feeling sort of frustrated and confused that things weren’t the same.
I played out all the same story lines that had been fun before, but the meaning had disappeared. Horse’s Big Space Adventure transformed into holding a plastic horse in the air, hoping it would somehow be enjoyable for me. Prehistoric Crazy-Bus Death Ride was just smashing a toy bus full of dinosaurs into the wall while feeling sort of bored and unfulfilled. I could no longer connect to my toys in a way that allowed me to participate in the experience.
It’s happened with books too, to a lesser extent, and TV shows.
I hope I never lose it all. Is there some way I can sharpen it, and keep it sharp? Can I train my imagination to work like it used to?
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It’s not a big deal, though. Just a little sad sometimes.
When my housemate, after introducing me to Hearthstone (I was so enthusiastic at first!) asks if I’ve played any, week on week, and I inevitably say “no”.
When one of my best friends loves The Last of Us so much that he plays it not once, not twice, but three times one summer.
When I hear my coworkers talk animatedly about Overwatch, and I hum over whether it’s worth getting. I probably won’t end up playing it much.
But it’s not a big deal.
If being sad that I didn’t like something as much anymore were my biggest problem, I’d be doing pretty well, that’s all I’m saying. I’m not too down about it. It just makes me think.
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Aatmaja Pandya’s comic Hang In There, Peach describes a kind of evolution of love for games. Maybe that’s what’s can happening to me, too.
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I probably will watch someone play Breath of the Wild.
I think there’s no reason I should be excited about it. I think I won’t be immersed. I probably won’t be.
But I hope I’m wrong.